Waking Up

It's taken me long to get here. But with Him, I believe, that any time is as good. All it takes is a simple choice. To wake up.

I was raised in a strong Catholic family. Going to church, Sunday school, praying the rosary daily, were all part of my religous upbringing. However, growing up I experienced severe emotional and mental turmoil. I felt disconnected from my parents. I was constantly reminded and told that I had to be someone or achieve certain things in order to receive their love and affection. What made this worse was the obvious favour my younger sibling had with my parents. I suffered from severe low self- esteem. I remember wanting to kill myself even as young as the age of nine. I continued to have these suicidal feelings since.

However, as the years passed, there was one constant in my life. Jesus. And the Blessed Mother Mary. I dont know how or when it started, but I would 'talk' to them constantly in my head, as if I were speaking to friends. I could always tell them what I was feeling. And I know that so many years later, the only reason I didnt take my life, was one simple fact- if Id lost every single person I had ever loved in this world, only God would still love me; I dont have to be anyone for him, I simply have to be me.

Eventually the struggles became all too much to bear, and I started to move away from the Lord. I felt that my life would go nowhere, that I was worth nothing, even to Him. I longed for the love of my parents. I longed for the approval of my friends and peers. I was able to achieve high standards of excellence in education and at work, but I felt a big, black empty hole within me. I felt alone, like I was drifting aimlessly. Thoughts of suicide took over, stronger than ever. Just making it alive through each day became a struggle. From the age of 14, I have battled depression. The feelings of being in a deep bottomless pit, along with those of being unworthy took over. Over time, I stopped going to church. The very thought of it was painful to me. I felt a great distance between the Lord and myself. I trusted no one. Not even Him.

In July 2007, something happened. Something that has not only brought me back to Him, but renewed my faith in ways that didnt even exist before.

I dont believe in shoving religion down anyone's throat....this is not the purpose of this blog. The purpose of this blog is to chronicle my everyday life experiences and how my renewed spirituality has given me a new purpose to live.

Life is hard. It is unfair. But all is made beautiful, all good things come to us through Him. The Lord is our Rock. We cannot change overnight. It is a process. What we can do is make that choice. To wake up. Now.